Ayahausca D Day

Morning greeted us with a smile. The day was upon us. A day that had been on my mind for a long time, even more so in the last week. What would it be like, what would I see and experience, how would the purging be for me? There were a lot of questions but my calmness remained. It was such a lovely retreat space that it could be easy to forget why we were there. We opted to get some karma yoga hours up after breakfast by doing some gardening. Many others had the same idea so upon seeing this I asked Aussie Dave if we could go liberate the San Pedro from weeds. He took us down and handed us some tools and instructions which included avoiding getting pricked from the cactuses. Not just because no one likes a prick but because you can get some decent reactions from it. We had some company, Polly the girl from London and an older lady named Irma who was a small package of joy and energy. It felt really good to be helping and working on the plants that would help us while chatting and learning more about our new friend's stories and journeys. Lunchtime and the last opportunity to eat before our ceremony. It was also recommended to keep it light. That concerned me! The meeting time at the Maloka was 1730. In the afternoon we took advantage of the yoga and meditation opportunities. We also had our first family meeting to allow us to tell a little bit of our story and our experiences if any with psychedelics. “Don’t mumble, don’t talk too fast…. “ 

Ok well here is another opportunity to get better and comfortable doing something I’m not a fan of. I care too much about what people think of me and often the narratives I build in my head about what people are thinking are based on my own fears, insecurities and judgments about myself. My heart is beating fast. “Breathe, and control your breath. It’s all good.” Shit, it’s my turn next. 

“G’day I’m Danny from Australia last year me and Jess were growing and taking mushrooms regularly” Slow down and take a breath!! My turn came and went and it was ok. A good benchmark. Mushrooms, LSD and weed seemed to be the main drugs that had been taken. A handful of people had taken Ayahuasca before but what surprised me the most was a few people there had never taken any drugs and they were in the older years of their lives. Hats off to them! They had my respect. Everyone there had my respect and I felt love and gratitude towards their openness for being there and sharing. I had observed one guy who seemed to be pretty withdrawn from the groups, not engaging in much and definitely seemed to have his guard up. When his time came to speak he only said a handful of words which were softly spoken and mirrored his demeanour. I was intrigued and felt drawn to make contact with him. We were given information about what to expect from the ceremony. If things got pretty hectic we were advised to always go back to our breath and look at the fire. Things now seemed to becoming more real and the magnitude of what we were about to partake in was setting in. It was advised for couples to not sit next to each other in the ceremony. We initially were going to disregard this advice, but we took it on board and decided to be open to all the advice. The reasoning was that your experience can be limited or detracted if you’re worried about your partner and what is happening with them. Me and Jess have been through some wild times together on the mushrooms and felt confident and comfortable being next to each other but we wanted to trust the process. The beds were laid out in a circle with the fireplace being the centre. I chose a cot where I could see the fire, Jess and the Sharman. Sitting there, waiting with anticipation I was looking around taking it all in. There he was! Enter the Sharman, the gatekeeper and the firekeeper. They all went about their business, setting up, and chatting quietly. It was time to begin and the firekeeper was translating the best he could what the Sharman was saying and sharing with us. He had a unique accent and his broken English added to the mystic of the experience. Prayers, blessings, gratitudes and something called liquid Tobacco! Which was put into our cupped hands and we needed to snort it. It’s to clear the path between your head and heart, to help your prayers to be answered and was very unpleasant for me and the majority of everyone else! We were also given a pinch of tobacco that we would put into the fire along with our intentions. Mine was “Show me what I need to be shown, help me connect with my higher self so I can step into my power and use that power for the betterment of myself and others. Be kind and gentle“. The time had come to drink Ayahuasca. There would be three opportunities given at different stages of the night to drink. There was no pressure to take more or less. They said that if you are in a specific place and you take another cup you won’t get back to that place again. We were told we would know if we needed more or not. 

1st cup

The taste wasn’t brilliant but also not horrible however I took a piece of apple that was offered to help with the taste and settled in. Observing, watching the fire, Waiting with anticipation. The Sharman started to play an instrument that made an eerie noise that’s hard to describe. (Just the other day I was listening to the mighty Gojira and in the intro of their song “Amazonia” I can hear the same instrument!!) He sang songs in Spanish and played a drum while we waited for the medicine to begin. It didn’t take long for someone to purge. I was lying down with my eyes closed and felt something similar to times I have taken mushrooms. You can feel or sense something slowly coming into your body beginning at your head. I reaffirmed my intentions, thanked the Ayahuasca, and gave it permission to do what it needed including purging out both ends. The purging isn’t just about the act of vomiting or shitting, it is an emotional release, it can also come in the way of laughing, crying, yawning, shaking…. 

Focussing on my breath my attention was taken momentarily by a commotion. The Australian lady was having a hard time with the medicine and she left the maloca. Her partner followed her up but returned shortly. The volunteers were great at what they did so I’m assuming they told him they will look after his girl in an area they had set up for moments like this. Back to the breath. Focus on your journey, other people's journeys are their own. This would ring true as the Aussie girl's cries to make it stop and that she wanted to go home rang out through the otherwise still night. I felt for the Aussie dude and wondered what I would do in that situation. The feeling of being torn between going to the one you love and trusting in the process. I think he opted to go to her. Towards the end of the night when I was back and present I saw that they were together in cots next to each other and it seemed all was well. This would be the last time I saw them though as they left the next day. We found out at the end of our time that they were still on other drugs and needed to go and get that sorted out as there can be very serious consequences for not adhering to the rules leading up to the medicine. With that, I returned to my journey which was reminding me of my experiences with mushrooms. With my eyes closed there were vivid colours, patterns and shapes. They feel alive, like like little tiny surgeon fingers working on and mending my mind. It feels really good! I was Lying there, breathing and feeling. Then it was over. I was back. Ok, did I do something wrong? I looked around and the lady next to me was going through some stuff! She was purging, she was shaking, her hands had a mind of their own and I could hear her muttering words now and then. I could hear other people purging and for a while, I felt envies! It seems so silly to think that. We had followed the guidelines as I mentioned before regarding diet, no violence, sex etc so I wondered if that was part of why I didn’t feel the need to purge. A spirit voice said to me that it’s not a sprint but more like a marathon and this was echoed by the Sharman repeating his words from earlier in the night and that was the word of patience. I also had a feeling or a message that the first round was to establish trust between the medicine and Mother Ayahuasca. Yet still I was feeling disappointed, “Is this it?” I sensed my mind and knew I needed to stop the negative thoughts and not get in my own way. I decided to use my time to try to speak with my Pop, thanking him for the sacrifices he made throughout his life for his family, particularly for his commitment to looking after my Nan and her 30ish-year battle with MS. I acknowledged admiration for his unwavering commitment to his Christian beliefs. I said I was sorry for the way his daughter handled herself throughout his final years. It’s uncanny how some people can become so focused on monetary gains during these times that the fallout destroys the remaining members. I thanked him for what he has given to me. The opportunity to experience this moment and to completely change my life. A life ends, and with that passing another one is reborn. I also tried sending a message to one of the guests who had been on my mind, offering him an invitation to come and seek me out during the retreat if they needed. 

2nd cup

“Hello family! How are we feeling? Do we want more medicine?!” This would be a phrase we would hear many times in the following days! I was well keen for some more, most people accepted the offer as well. After consuming I went back to my cot and I don’t know how long it took but this is what happened. I was suddenly back in time and able to view myself at a younger age. I could feel my younger self's feelings from that time. One of the strongest feelings I felt was the desire to feel close to Dad. It’s strange but there is a lot of my childhood that I can’t remember so it’s been interesting to explore this. I know it to be true that I was seeking their attention, approval and validation in those days. I liked Gary Ablett and the Geelong Cats because Dad did. My favourite basketball player was Dad’s favourite, Larry Bird. The music, the movies, TV shows and the comedy I liked were all influenced by Dad. Dad was busy when we were young. It felt like there was never enough time to be spent with him and that’s something that I craved. All of these memories came flooding back as I watched and felt myself as a child. Practising basketball for hours, often in the rain so I could make Dad proud and get the attention I wanted. I wanted to be seen but was often silenced. Kids should be seen but not heard. I know as a kid at church I wasn’t allowed to play with my friends in the back room. I would have to stand in the doorway and watch. I hated that and felt embarrassed because my parents were strict. Always pushing boundaries and not wanting to have restrictions or be told what to do I would find myself just inside the doorway, then just a little bit more inside. The next minute I would be playing and having fun with my friends until mum or dad would catch me, drag me out, discipline me and I’d be left sitting alone on the seats where we sat every week, with my fingers locked, feeling embarrassed and lonely. Loneliness, a feeling I didn’t realise or had forgotten I felt a lot of back then. Reflecting now it’s also a feeling I enjoyed or leant into in my darker drinking days. Almost romanticising with it. I always had friends, all through my life but often felt lonely and misunderstood. My trip changed at this point showing me Dad’s perspective during those times. I felt pressure and stress placed on a young man trying his best to provide for his family. Pressure from the church to be a good representation of a role model Christian. Being a good Christian also meant that the church always came first even before our family needs. Or maybe just my needs. I do recall Dad saying that his Dad always had more time for the kids in the youth group which he was in charge of then his own kids. This is also how I felt about my relationship with Dad. Generational and repetitive cycles or patterns. Take notice because these seem to pop up everywhere and often we don’t even realise. Learnt behaviour from our often biggest influences. 

This is not an attack on Dad in any way. Both Mum and Dad did the best they could at the time with what they knew and what they had. They were young, trying to figure out how to raise a hyperactive kid while they were only young adults at the time. I wondered who their friends really were and what did they talk about when they would invite other church families over for tea. Church life? Real life? I really felt that Dad couldn’t talk about the real things in life, his worries and concerns and he just had to deal with it and keep a facade up. A conversation I hope we have at some point in the not-to-earn future because one thing for sure is that the gift of time is not always a guaranteed thing. It’s important to note though that I didn’t feel anger, resentment or anything negative towards them, just a greater sense of understanding and love for them. I was also aware in these moments that my current self was going back in time to give the love and support that my younger self needed in those times and that would help my now current self. Crazy stuff. I’ve heard Jess, and other friends talk about this but I never fully resonated with it so was on some levels dismissive of it. Pre-programming, conditioning and limiting beliefs strike again. “You only know what you know!” I know differently now. 

It wasn’t all fun for me at this point. I was experiencing stomach pains, bloating and cramps. It was becoming more painful and had begun to distract me. Going to the toilet didn’t help, nothing came out. No relief. I was washing my hands when Wendy, the lady who took the family sharing meetings asked me how I was so I told her about the cramps. She said they can happen sometimes. Ok great, how do they go away?! My thoughts! I returned to the cot still in pain. I had a little purge vomit at some point. 

3rd cup. 

This is when things got wild and I started to feel the power of Ayahuasca. The call came out again for another cup and I was keen despite my stomach pains. I got up and walked to the Sharman. This was harder than I thought it would be and I also felt that I could vomit! Why now?! He passed me the cup with a knowing smile and again I drank it down. It’s extremely hard to describe my visuals but the best I can come up with is like I was in a DMT trip. If you haven’t tried this before and want tangible proof that there is a higher power, creator or GOD then DMT is what I suggest you try! It’s a very short and intense experience, it is in me, you, plants and animals and when we die a massive surge of DMT is released. My visuals were bright, and colourful with geometric shapes and patterns that were interacting with me. I had the feeling of being at some crazy psychedelic carnival and on a merry-go-round. It felt like I was reconnecting with source energy and it felt amazing. So much love. I had my most intense purge somewhere here. Fernando - who I should have mentioned earlier is a younger Ecuadorian around 30 years old, has an absolutely powerful yet kind and soft presence, is on his way to becoming a Sharman, and is just an incredible human who’s interactions I deeply cherished and sought out - was playing the guitar and singing with a lady who had the most angelic voice while I was purging. It was so beautiful and it felt like their song was speaking just to me, helping and encouraging me to purge because there was a lot of heaving that was guttural and very not discreet. I was aware of how loud I was but I had to get it out. I felt like a snake, spitting black venom into my bucket. It also elevated my stomach cramps for a while. 

That was my first experience with Ayahuasca! It lasted for just under 8 hours since we drank our first cup. The Sharman spoke a lot throughout, lots of gratitude prayers, lots of music and traditional songs. The fire was amazing and I hadn’t ever seen anything like it. They stacked the logs up to make 2/3rds of a triangle, the smaller stuff went inside and throughout the firekeeper would shovel out the embers and place them in front of the Sharman. They would put tobacco and other herb-looking things on it throughout but once the ceremony had finished and we were exiting I looked at it and the fire keeper had created an amazing condor-looking bird. I think it’s a Native American tradition and the Condor was a Thunderbird. I could be wrong but it was a piece of art that inspired me to get a Thunderbird tattoo later on in Colombia to symbolise and remind me of the time spent at Gia Sagrada and in Ecuador. Feeling good but exhausted we made our way to eat some fruit and soup, spoke briefly about our experiences with the others and made our way back to our room very eager for sleep!